Something for me

I went hiking with a group of adults this morning. What a difference, to be able to walk, and talk (when I wasn't huffing and puffing) without cajoling or otherwise catering to kids. But I came home to an empty house, and even now hours later no one is home, and I miss them! Maybe I hear someone now.

What is a play date?

Are 4 year olds really supposed to know how to entertain and enjoy each other? I'm getting lots of requests to arrange play dates with school friends, and I find my reluctance just keeps growing. Then last night, E's pal's dad called to ask her to come for a play date today. We had made plans to go to the zoo in the morning, so I arranged a visit to start at 4pm. Maybe that was my big mistake. Anyway, it wasn't a big success. I don't think it was terrible, and E would still like her friend to come to her house, but they never got into a rhythm and managed to play together. And when I think about it, I don't know that E ever manages to play with other kids very well. She likes to do her own thing. She plays pretty well with her sister, but usually she wants to do what she wants, and she is unyielding. Is it just her, or is this typical. I felt like the friend was more experienced with the set up (as an only child) but when we arrived, he wasn't ready to be very social or even talk to E.

second mom

I feel like an imperfect parent. Of course, we all are, all the time, but tonight especially. Because we discussed adoption, and my answers feel so inadequate. E asked, for the first time, why her birth mom couldn't take care of her, and I couldn't give her a very satisfactory answer. I tried, but I know there is no answer, really. I don't know, and I don't want to make something up, but it feels unsatisfactory.

New time zone

I haven't posted for a very long time, and so much has changed. I see the girls in a different light now, not toddlers but kids. Their lives are becoming so much more separate from mine, and it makes me happy and wistful at the same time. The time of active parenting is so short. Not that it is done, by any means, but I see other things coming back into my life. Like reading books. That's why I decided to add "shelfari." Of course, I can't remember more than two or three books back, so I'll have to do some work to keep up.

Musing

I recently (finally) developed my last role of film from Kaz. What a change since then! I feel like the time captured in the photos is from a different life. The life I have now is full of toddlers and work and new questions about my life. What I see in the photos is a baby and some people I feel very little connection to now. Not bad, just different. She is just herself. Not the baby who i first met and not anyone else's child.

Time change

E is an early riser, so the prospect of setting the clocks back is not one I'm looking forward to. But we'll adjust, over time. I keep reminding myself that for each behavior I don't like, something else will arise, in time. Of course, that means that the ones I do like will probably pass too, but overall I love seeing the new things that come into being. What will be next?

Fresh Start

I've managed some new things recently. Coming out of the total fog of new parenting (of two, no less), I'm making changes in my life, big and small. I like the way this feels, and I think that using this space might give me a chance to be more conscious about it.

I'd like to:

• Knit more, and finish more of what I start. Specifically, I'd like to finish my sister's birthday present, and think about to do with the really nice yarn in my stash.
• Make exercise a regular part of my life. Right now, I walk up the stairs to my office every day (12-15 flights, depending on whether I start from the garage level or the lobby, if I get a ride into work). And I take my kids to a "mommy and me" dance class for 30 minutes on Saturdays. We gallop right and left, jump, stretch a little. Nothing too notable, but I'm moving.
• Improve my diet. This is a little tough since I cook dinner maybe once every couple of months. No kidding, I have a great gig and I would not think to complain about the food, which is delicious. But what I could work on, usefully and possibly is both what I eat for lunch, and the snacks/desserts I eat. Right now I am contemplating a banana with full knowledge that there is ice cream in the freezer. It is very, very hard for me to choose fruit when there is ice cream in the house. It seems to compel me. But I know perfectly well that I control it, that I don't have to eat it, but here I am thinking about it and finding my stomach growling.
• Write more notes. Personal notes, emails, just communicate more/better/ more frequently.

A start. I'll report back. 2/6/2007

Father's Day

Reading a post at et al. reminded me how much I dislike father's day. She writes about going to a father's day event at her daughter's school. Wow. I cannot imagine my mother showing up at some 'father-daughter' event and participating with me. It isn't that she didn't care, I just think it would never have occurred to her. V's teacher had both mother's day and father's day lunches for the class, and I know she was not the only child who didn't have a parent at father's day (in fact, for mother's day she had an "extended family" parent) but it made me feel bad that she doesn't have a dad. Fortunately, she's surrounded by kids who don't have and never did have a dad, but it makes me sad anyway. I still miss my dad, and it has been 40 years since he died. 40 years. I realized that one day in April, and had to check to make sure I had the date right, but in fact it has been 40 years and it still makes me sad.

Way back when

Back when I was just turning 50 (2 whole months ago) I thought I'd write every day and keep track of the many ways I was taking care of my health. Now I can't even get myself to walk up the stairs. It's partly the weather -- it's so much hotter. I'm not sure what else I can blame it on.

On the plane to Kostenai (from my journal)

My first mistake was thinking I knew what time it was in Almaty. I carefully set my alarm and thought I had plenty of time when I woke up. Turns out I was off by an hour and the front desk had to call and say that our driver was waiting. I threw everything in my bags and headed down. I missed the tea they made for us, since we were leaving too early for breakfast, but we got to the airport with lots of time to spare. We couldn't even check in until they were ready for our flight, so we waited. The airport is too new to even have a cafe, so I was happy I had a power bar with me. Once they called us for check in, we entered the secure area. It turns out that this flight makes a stop in Karaganda on its way to Kostanai. By the way, we're flying on the interestingly named "SCAT Air Company," which seems to have no russian or kazak translation. I just have to complain for a moment about the plane. First, you can bring on as much carry-on as you can lug up the steps, which is helpful to me, and you can leave some in the back of the plane in an open storage area, which is also helpful. But then you discover that the seats are placed so close that no one can fit comfortably. I literally have my knees squashed into the seat in front of my, and I there is no way to recline the seats at all. The distance between the edge of one seat and the back of the seat in front is about six inches. But every seat is full, and I am far from the biggest person on the plane. I'm not sure how we're going to manage with lap babies on the way back. We got lunch, which was pretty good, and hot tea, which I appreciated. I love that the flight attendant brought out hot water for the tea in an battered, flowered metal tea pot. We had to get off the plane in Karaganda, which the Lonely Planet guide describes as a central point in the Soviet gulag. We walked into a huge, empty terminal with the requisite socialist realist sculpture out front. It is hard to give a good sense of this echoing crumbling rather glorious space. Lori and I went looking for the bathroom. It was not obvious where to go, so I asked a guy wearing an airport worker jacket for directions, but as soon as he spoke I realized that he reeked of alcohol. Of course, he insisted on accompanying us. I would not have been surprised if he planned to follow us in, but fortunately the toilets were guarded by a matron who wanted money for use of the facilities. Unfortunately, we haven't changed any money yet, and while it was ok to use dollars to buy water in the Almaty airport, I was happy she seemed satisfied when I said we had no tenge. Then, when we came out and headed back to where we left our fellow passengers, there was not a soul to be found. We were starting to worry about what was happening when we got back to the door we entered through and it had a padlock on it. It was a twilight zone moment, since it looked as if noone had opened that padlock in years! Empty terminal, padlocked door, encounter with drunken man now nowhere to be seen... cue the spooky music. Then we heard our flight announced and we raced upstairs and found check in. We had to go through security and get a new boarding pass, and then we were led out a ramp down to the ground to walk out to the plane. And now we're off again.
8 March 2004

A visitor made this comment,

Alice - Joe D. will be so disappointed that we had a direct flight from Almaty to Kostenai, as he is a complete fan "...requisite socialist realist sculpture..." and "...echoing crumbling rather glorious [Soviet] space..." :) You might want to look into returning from Kostenai to Almaty on Air Kaz, which had a direct flight and flew Boeings, with plenty of leg room. In any case, use VIP service in Kostenai. You will be the first on the plane and able to pick the bulkhead seats.

Arrival (from my journal)

I am in my hotel room in Almaty, after two long flights. I have not yet managed to take a shower, but I am enjoying the freedom to stretch out and to move without all my bags. I decided to leave the big suitcase in the luggage room downstairs, once I realized I have a 3rd floor room with no elevator. The person at the door didn't help us carry bags up the flight of stairs from the car to the front door, so I didn't think I was going to get any help getting up here. The flights were uneventful, and on the second leg I had a whole row to myself, so I got to stretch out a little. The first leg was completely packed, plus I was in the row behind a very unhappy, very loud two year old, who did not fall asleep until shortly before landing. Any ungenerous thoughts I might have had were quickly silenced by the thought that could well be me in a few weeks. I felt bad for the child and her poor parents, who tried to apologize to everyone around them. I don't know if my russian skills made the arrival in Almaty any easier for my two fellow travelers (Lori and Diane, also adopting through AFTH) but we got through with only minimal questions from official looking types and Oleg was waiting outside with a sign. We walked out of this brand new airport terminal, into what was to me a very russian scene. First, it was clearly a construction site, so it was very dusty. The parking lot was filled with a mix of cars that look held together with wire and chewing gum and at least one shiny new Audi with a very tall guy in a leather jacket talking on a cell phone. In Minsk, he would have been referred to as a "new russian." I don't know about here. Oleg drives a well used SUV, so he had enough room for us and all our stuff, but just. There was a brilliant half moon shining, very few other lights, and to crown the new airport terminal, a huge 3-d diamond with flashing strobe lights inside. Go figure. It was about a 15 minute drive into the city, and remarkably familiar looking to me. Long blocks of crumbling 3 and 4 story apartment buildings, groups of older, decorated dachas behind fences, places where it was clear that old soviet slogans have been covered over with billboards advertising cars and electronics. Oleg told us that this is the former capitol and current financial capitol, but it feels pretty small. One sign this is a different place: a very large mosque in the center of the city, very lit up. OK, I'm getting cold and I want to shower and try to sleep.
9 March 2004

We're home!

I know it's been a while, but it still feels pretty new. Although everything has gone remarkably well, and I think we all feel very much at home together. OK, I'm being completely contradictory. New, and familiar at the same time. But she's a love, and I love being a mom.
7 June 2004

Time flies

It's been three months since we arrived home. I learned yesterday that Kostanai is no longer waiving the post-court waiting period and I breathed a tremendous sigh of relief that I am no longer caught up in that miserable time of having no control over what happens to me, my daughter and this process. I am most grateful that I have her home, and very happy that I decided to adopt. But the process is much more emotionally difficult than I ever expected and I have put it behind me with great relief. I feel for those still in the waiting period. I would still encourage anyone who wanted to adopt, but I would caution them about the challenges.
8 July 2004

December already?

How is it possible? Before I became a parent, I never knew it was possible that time could go so fast. Days become weeks. I measure time in different increments -- today I have child care, this day no one has a cold, I haven't showered in, um, three or four days. And so the days become weeks become months become well, I suppose they will become years. I realized yesterday that V's infant car seat, which replaced a hand me down, is less than a year old. Almost brand new. Now I have two giant big girl seats in the back of the station wagon, making transporting an extra adult virtually impossible.
15 Dec. 2004

One year later

I'm busy making blue and yellow cookies and blue and yellow cupcakes for our celebration of Naurez here at home. I'm thrilled we are here and not there, happy to be including a real mix of kids in the celebration, and looking forward to entering our second year as a family. Since the first day of spring has always had significance to my family, it seems totally appropriate to celebrate the anniversary of our adoption this way. So "kokem tydi" or spring is born!

New digs, new spaces

One open question is how this will change things.

How to find time?

So as I continue to log my food pretty regularly, it becomes more and more clear that I have to get more exercise. I think I'm on track on the food. Not perfect, but making better choices most of the time. But I go over on calories every day I don't exercise. I actually didn't eat enough yesterday, because I got a lot of exercise. Today, though, I went over because all I was doing was hanging with the girls. But I'm hungry anyway. And there isn't quite enough food, except there are sweets. I want to drink a big glass of milk and eat a little something sweet.

Joined a gym

Now I have to go. I've been logging (pretty much) what I eat and it isn't so good. It does make me think, but I pretty inevitably go over my allowed numbers. I will clearly keep gaining weight if I keep this up. But if I can work out, I can maybe get under control. So tonight I joined a fancy ass gym, with a pool. How many days has it been? 11. 354 to go.

Tomorrow is another day (and a new month)

I have been doing MFD for less than a week and today has been more than I can handle. I have to find a way to live with the reality of how I eat. OK, I cheat. I log exercise that is perhaps an exaggeration. But I've been logging the food as accurately as I can. Today I can't even bring myself to begin logging the food I ate. I ate what was at hand, I went to a party and ate what was there, then I came home and ate some of the bacon L made (really made -- cured and cooked and then fried. Yum.) Bacon! I have realized that what I need to do first of all is really, really increase my exercise. I think the only way I'm going to do that is by joining -- and going to -- a gym. I need to work on this as well as on the food side, but the exercise piece is in many ways the harder one, the bigger life change.

Day Two, 363 to go

What I did today, for my health: I climbed the stairs to my office (12 flights) and I walked outside to get lunch and go to the bank. Not so much, I know, but I haven't walked outside at lunchtime for a long time (feels like months, but I honestly don't remember). I started to look for a class to join, but I'm not sure what I want. I think maybe dance, more than typical gym aerobics. But at least I have something to say for day two. Except that after I walked, my shins hurt. Is this going to be a year-long accounting of new aches and pains? That would be a sad commentary on turning 50. love, me

Day One, 364 to go

Happy birthday to me! My goal is to do something for my health every day of my 50^th year, and I began by taking a walk on this wonderful spring day. 30 minutes of walking. I couldn’t find my pedometer – I could barely find my sneakers – and my feet, especially my left foot hurt, but I walked, and I enjoyed the sunshine and I thought about being open to the universe and trying to see myself as healthier. I thought about food and what I want to eat for my birthday dinner, too, so not a completely selfless experience, but I don’t think that is what I was aiming for. In fact, I don’t think I had any aim except to get out there and walk for at least 30 minutes, and I did it. So, yeah me!

Be careful what you wish for

I realized the other day, that I did get what I wanted in my new job: I have two good friends there, L & C, who are my peers, who react similarly to issues that arise, who like me and don't have any power or supervision issues with being my pals. But the rest of the deal is so bad, I suddenly realized that I had manifeste the one thing I was aware I was missing in my last job, but I forgot to ask for the other good stuff. A good lesson in manifesting what I want. So, I am trying to focus on askinig for the work I am meant to do, with other people who care about me and about the work. I don't think it is too much to ask. In fact, I think I did find it when I found SFC -- now I have to find a way to translate it to some place I can say yes to.

Joy

I'm trying to identify what it is that makes me truly happy. I find myself thinking about it in the quiet, when the girls are falling asleep. Is it that the work of caring is over? Or is it a sense of accomplishment that I have happy kids who I observe growing and changing every day? hard to identify in precise terms, but I feel some sense that if I can locate the center of it, I can work to hold on to it. It isn't that I don't expect hardship and difficulty to visit again, but I find the focus of my life to be generally good.
Except my work. I am so frustrated with feeling disrespected and unappreciated. I guess the lesson is to appreciate when I have and will in the future have better support from management, but this is so infuriating. I dislike that I can't let it go, but it makes me so angry. I suppose I think I could do it better.

New Beginning

Take two. I wrote a post that got lost. Fortunately, it was short and not very substantial. This one will be even shorter. Test.