time sink

New job, and lots to do. I am managing to leave in time to have dinner with the family, which is very, very important to me. But I am having a lot of trouble getting to the more conceptual, interesting, thinking part of the job. I can get through the tasks, and keep up with the essentials, but the big stuff I find a million ways to avoid. I know I'm wasting valuable time, but it isn't getting any better. I have to get to a new level, and soon. I tried to get myself to sign up for a challenge Moxie is encouraging, but couldn't even stand to write in that public forum what it is I need to address. But here it is: I play too much Spider Solitare. Too much. And I read too much email at work, and blogs. I don't find the focus I need. Oh, wait, I'm remembering that I had some success with playing music as a way to make myself focus. Must try that again.
So, one, bring some CDs to work. Put them on, and get to work!

Something for me

I went hiking with a group of adults this morning. What a difference, to be able to walk, and talk (when I wasn't huffing and puffing) without cajoling or otherwise catering to kids. But I came home to an empty house, and even now hours later no one is home, and I miss them! Maybe I hear someone now.

What is a play date?

Are 4 year olds really supposed to know how to entertain and enjoy each other? I'm getting lots of requests to arrange play dates with school friends, and I find my reluctance just keeps growing. Then last night, E's pal's dad called to ask her to come for a play date today. We had made plans to go to the zoo in the morning, so I arranged a visit to start at 4pm. Maybe that was my big mistake. Anyway, it wasn't a big success. I don't think it was terrible, and E would still like her friend to come to her house, but they never got into a rhythm and managed to play together. And when I think about it, I don't know that E ever manages to play with other kids very well. She likes to do her own thing. She plays pretty well with her sister, but usually she wants to do what she wants, and she is unyielding. Is it just her, or is this typical. I felt like the friend was more experienced with the set up (as an only child) but when we arrived, he wasn't ready to be very social or even talk to E.

second mom

I feel like an imperfect parent. Of course, we all are, all the time, but tonight especially. Because we discussed adoption, and my answers feel so inadequate. E asked, for the first time, why her birth mom couldn't take care of her, and I couldn't give her a very satisfactory answer. I tried, but I know there is no answer, really. I don't know, and I don't want to make something up, but it feels unsatisfactory.

New time zone

I haven't posted for a very long time, and so much has changed. I see the girls in a different light now, not toddlers but kids. Their lives are becoming so much more separate from mine, and it makes me happy and wistful at the same time. The time of active parenting is so short. Not that it is done, by any means, but I see other things coming back into my life. Like reading books. That's why I decided to add "shelfari." Of course, I can't remember more than two or three books back, so I'll have to do some work to keep up.

Musing

I recently (finally) developed my last role of film from Kaz. What a change since then! I feel like the time captured in the photos is from a different life. The life I have now is full of toddlers and work and new questions about my life. What I see in the photos is a baby and some people I feel very little connection to now. Not bad, just different. She is just herself. Not the baby who i first met and not anyone else's child.

Time change

E is an early riser, so the prospect of setting the clocks back is not one I'm looking forward to. But we'll adjust, over time. I keep reminding myself that for each behavior I don't like, something else will arise, in time. Of course, that means that the ones I do like will probably pass too, but overall I love seeing the new things that come into being. What will be next?